Reddit Challenge #24

Reddit user submits: Almonds are actually sentient beings that have been trying to communicate with us for ages to stop eating them in genocidally large numbers.. Communication has failed, so now they are moving towards warfare.


The general stood stoic beside the president; The two men stared into the distance of the oval office windows. For a moment it appeared as if the president was going to speak- the general readied his mind for the moment he thought was coming.

False alarm. The president lowers his posture and returns his gaze to the world beyond the window. Slowly, the president turns to face his general and comments on the difficulty of the situation. He says its going to be a tough nut to crack. The two men chuckle. The general agreed that it would be a difficult decision to make.

The Almond people had always been a peaceful people. Almonds gained sentience during an accidental radiation exposure at a Mr. Peanut factory that was located too close to a nuclear test site. The Almonds were overjoyed by the gift of life and sentience, but they were plagued by impending doom. The early Almond councils sat and smoked peace pipes for many hours to attempt to solve the problem and save their lives. Their solutions have been failing.

Tasting delicious in the hope that humans will have sympathy on them has failed, as has the reverse attempt to make themselves crush into tiny pieces that you have to get out of your teeth with floss. Each new strategy fails worse than the next and their latest idea- to have terrible celebrities advertise them on television- has led to more Almond eaters than ever. Disguising themselves in Hershey's chocolate was a disaster.

Now, with nothing left to lose, the Presidential Almond is facing the choice- to use their nuclear arsenal or not. The general is nervous because he knows the power at the president's hands: with one word he could level Chicago and start a self sufficient almond colony there within days- when no humans could enter.

The president stares once more into the distance, ready to decide; when he turns back he sees a photo of his daughter- an almond of similar size and shape- sitting on the desk. He tells the general he doesn't want his daughter to die, but that he sees no other way to save her or the rest of his people.

The president presses a button beneath his desk, causing the table top to flip open into a computer console for launching missiles. He enters in a code with the general watching on, salt pouring off his forehead. The president moves to press the button but just before he reaches a door bursts open! An almond stands in the door and tells them to hold off on the decision. The president demands an explanation and the almond informs them that Chic-Fil-a Called and they want to do an new almond chicken sandwich. The president sits down in his chair and decides the war will be postponed- collaborating with Chic-Fil-a is sure to make people stop eating almonds.