You've never seen Let It Be. That is because the movie failed at its indented goal and once The Beatles saw the final cut, they refused to allow it to be sold. To see it today, you have to find yourself a good torrent and if you like The Beatles, I suggest you do just that.
In the wake of the death of their manager Brian Epstein, The Beatles were without direction. The delicate balance of egos- especially Paul and John's- was kept in check by Brian, but with him gone, Paul- in an ill-fated attempt to bring the band back together- he suggested that the band film themselves composing, practicing and then live-recording an entire album from scratch.
Having been influenced by the brilliant and simple work of The Band in their album Music from the Big Pink, the boys were excited at the prospect of getting back to the basics. No crazy studio effects, no overdubs, no backwards guitars: just four guys and a few microphones. The Beatles knew they could swing it with any band in history and Let It Be was their chance to prove it- most of all to themselves.
Sadly, the film did not show how a band comes together to create an album. Instead, it showed how a band breaks up. Sitting in the cold soundstage, Let It Be shows the group frustrated and angry with each other, getting into serious verbal arguments. However, the film does have one redeeming feature: the rooftop concert.
The sequence that unfolded is one of the most iconic in rock and roll. We've all seen bands hop onto a rooftop or an awning and play their hearts out: The Beatles started this trend and it will forever belong to them. Though they didn't know it at the time- it would be the last time the band ever performed in front of an audience. Knowing this today, it is an emotional scene to watch, seeing John and Paul enjoying each others company for perhaps the last time.
If you have not seen this film I urge you to watch. You'll laugh, you'll sing, and most of all you'll smile. Despite the fact that the band was broken up later that year, it is clear when you watch them rocking their hearts out on that rooftop that they truly are the greatest band in history.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
A little story about The Moon...
My pal Jonah posed a simple question a few months ago:
"Need some ideas: what is a disaster that could happen and involves Wisconsin cheese?"
This was my suggestion:
"Alternate history where Apollo 11 lands on the moon only to discover it is indeed made of cheese, wisconsin cheese- but how did they get it up there?"
So... in honor of Neil Armstrong, without further ado, I present: The Eagle Has Cheddar
From the diary of Neil Armstrong:
We landed on the Sea of Tranquility at approximately 20:17. The mood inside the Lunar Module was joyous, with me and Buzz shaking hands in celebration of the occasion. After preparing the cabin and dressing in our space suits, we prepared to embark on the greatest extra-vehicular activity in this history of humanity.
When I climbed out of the Lunar Module and began descending down the ladder I realized that the surface was all too different from what the scientists had told us to expect. By the time I reached the bottom of the ladder, my strangest thoughts and greatest fears were confirmed: the surface of the moon appeared to be made of cheddar cheese!
I radioed Houston to describe to them what I was seeing. I told them that it was very squishy and porous when you get up close to it. I still had yet to step off the landing pads for the Lunar Module, but seeing no other option, I stepped off. I thought that the words I had planned to say would come out of my mouth, but instead I could only manage to say "That is one small step for a man... wow that cheese is bouncy!"
The surface was indeed made of porous cheese, but despite its bouncy and squishy nature, it was more than solid enough to walk on, and the Lunar Module didn't appear to be depressed to deep in the surface. I proceeded with the first task on the mission checklist: to pick up a sample of lunar rock so that if something were to go wrong in the rest of the EVA, we would at least have that. I quickly found a solid chunk of cheese and picked it up with the NASA grabber. Upon closer inspection I could see lettering on the cheese, it read "Made in Wisconsin."
I could not believe my eyes, and I immediately called out the discovery to Buzz in the lander. I told him that the cheese was from Wisconsin! He replied in disbelief that it could not be possible, but 20 minutes later when he emerged from the Lunar Module he saw it for himself. Wisconsin Cheese, gray in color but definitely cheese in nature and consistency littered the surface, it was the surface!
We radioed Houston to tell them that we could confirm that the Moon was made of cheese. The silence that proceeded was deeply frightening to us. Nearly 45 seconds passed before we received a reply: "We know. We've always known. The Moon was built by the government of Wisconsin in 1922."
Dear lord.
-- 21 July 1969
"Need some ideas: what is a disaster that could happen and involves Wisconsin cheese?"
This was my suggestion:
"Alternate history where Apollo 11 lands on the moon only to discover it is indeed made of cheese, wisconsin cheese- but how did they get it up there?"
So... in honor of Neil Armstrong, without further ado, I present: The Eagle Has Cheddar
From the diary of Neil Armstrong:
We landed on the Sea of Tranquility at approximately 20:17. The mood inside the Lunar Module was joyous, with me and Buzz shaking hands in celebration of the occasion. After preparing the cabin and dressing in our space suits, we prepared to embark on the greatest extra-vehicular activity in this history of humanity.
When I climbed out of the Lunar Module and began descending down the ladder I realized that the surface was all too different from what the scientists had told us to expect. By the time I reached the bottom of the ladder, my strangest thoughts and greatest fears were confirmed: the surface of the moon appeared to be made of cheddar cheese!
I radioed Houston to describe to them what I was seeing. I told them that it was very squishy and porous when you get up close to it. I still had yet to step off the landing pads for the Lunar Module, but seeing no other option, I stepped off. I thought that the words I had planned to say would come out of my mouth, but instead I could only manage to say "That is one small step for a man... wow that cheese is bouncy!"
The surface was indeed made of porous cheese, but despite its bouncy and squishy nature, it was more than solid enough to walk on, and the Lunar Module didn't appear to be depressed to deep in the surface. I proceeded with the first task on the mission checklist: to pick up a sample of lunar rock so that if something were to go wrong in the rest of the EVA, we would at least have that. I quickly found a solid chunk of cheese and picked it up with the NASA grabber. Upon closer inspection I could see lettering on the cheese, it read "Made in Wisconsin."
I could not believe my eyes, and I immediately called out the discovery to Buzz in the lander. I told him that the cheese was from Wisconsin! He replied in disbelief that it could not be possible, but 20 minutes later when he emerged from the Lunar Module he saw it for himself. Wisconsin Cheese, gray in color but definitely cheese in nature and consistency littered the surface, it was the surface!
We radioed Houston to tell them that we could confirm that the Moon was made of cheese. The silence that proceeded was deeply frightening to us. Nearly 45 seconds passed before we received a reply: "We know. We've always known. The Moon was built by the government of Wisconsin in 1922."
Dear lord.
-- 21 July 1969
Saturday, August 25, 2012
RIP Neil Armstrong
Our universe lost a great man today. Neil Armstrong taught us that the very home we have come to know is only the shore of the cosmic ocean. His small step on Earth's celestial dance partner proved that we children of the stars are indeed unlimited beings, capable of any achievement we set our minds to.
When John F. Kennedy brashly challenged us to send a man to the Moon and return him safely to earth, many were not even sure it was possible. Robert Goddard dreamed it, Kennedy threw down the gauntlet and Neil Armstrong achieved it. He landed a rocket in reverse in 1/6th Earth's gravity, flying a ship so delicate that a few pebbles whizzing through could tear it apart.
Always an intensely private man, unlike his LMP Buzz Aldrin, Armstrong remained vocal about only one thing: the fall of NASA. Despite his reluctant fame, he was a staunch believer in the power of inspiration and dreaded seeing NASA's greatness float away in a breeze of politics and budget cuts. Perhaps his death will cause our leaders to reexamine the future of the space agency, and the technological innovation and human inspiration it provided to millions.
I think its best to close with the words of Neil's family:
"For those who may ask what they can do to honor Neil, we have a simple request: Honor his example of service, accomplishment and modesty, and the next time you walk outside on a clear night and see the moon smiling down at you, think of Neil Armstrong and give him a wink."
When John F. Kennedy brashly challenged us to send a man to the Moon and return him safely to earth, many were not even sure it was possible. Robert Goddard dreamed it, Kennedy threw down the gauntlet and Neil Armstrong achieved it. He landed a rocket in reverse in 1/6th Earth's gravity, flying a ship so delicate that a few pebbles whizzing through could tear it apart.
Always an intensely private man, unlike his LMP Buzz Aldrin, Armstrong remained vocal about only one thing: the fall of NASA. Despite his reluctant fame, he was a staunch believer in the power of inspiration and dreaded seeing NASA's greatness float away in a breeze of politics and budget cuts. Perhaps his death will cause our leaders to reexamine the future of the space agency, and the technological innovation and human inspiration it provided to millions.
I think its best to close with the words of Neil's family:
"For those who may ask what they can do to honor Neil, we have a simple request: Honor his example of service, accomplishment and modesty, and the next time you walk outside on a clear night and see the moon smiling down at you, think of Neil Armstrong and give him a wink."
Friday, August 24, 2012
To the lonely swinger...
I don't know what you were doing out there all by yourself, but it looked like a scene out of a sequel to Juno. You sat alone on the swing set as the sun gently came to rest below the horizon behind you. The sunglasses on your face reflected the passers by and the headphones in your ears ensured the world was pushed away. I wasn't the only one who noticed you, lonely swinger, but I was the only one who tried to say hello.
You claimed all was well but I still don't believe you. You said you just felt like swinging... but who says that? The last time I went to the swings by myself was in my back yard, and I was still wearing baby shoes. Lonely swinger, you can swing but you can't hide. Whatever it was that was troubling you that day, I certainly hope you resolved it because the world needs less people trapped behind headphone and sunglasses. The human connection is what separates us from the rest of the animals- I beg anyone reading this to not take it for granted, because it's all we have.
You claimed all was well but I still don't believe you. You said you just felt like swinging... but who says that? The last time I went to the swings by myself was in my back yard, and I was still wearing baby shoes. Lonely swinger, you can swing but you can't hide. Whatever it was that was troubling you that day, I certainly hope you resolved it because the world needs less people trapped behind headphone and sunglasses. The human connection is what separates us from the rest of the animals- I beg anyone reading this to not take it for granted, because it's all we have.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Reddit Challenge #28
Reddit user zygote_harlot submits: Grandma brushes her teeth with LSD-laced tooth paste before taking her cat to the vet.
Norma Needham had never before felt the urge to count each step she took from her house to the veterinarian's office just a few blocks away. Today was different. The 76 year old pensioner left her house and proceeded to count each step from the door; calling out each number at the top of her lungs, she elicited stares from passers by. On the way to the vet for her cat Snuggles' six-month check up, Norma held the feline tightly in her arms, putting the cat in a position that you could tell by its expression it did not like.
Not. One. Bit.
As Norma reached- and then called out- step number 136, she froze in place, letting the world pass by around her. Thoughts began racing through the old woman's head. Why was she there? Why was 136 important? 136... She liked that number, so she said it ten or twelve times in a row, appreciating each mention as if being told 'i love you' by a passionate bed-fellow.
What was the fluffy thing in her hands? Was that 136? She loved 136. If Snuggles could have spoken he would have told her he was not 136- but Snuggles was only a cat and he had no choice but to remained in the pensioner's steely grip.
Still standing motionless, Norma realized that something was different about today. Like every other day she had dressed in the morning, brushed her teeth, waited for an hour for a call from her grandchildren- which never came- and then proceeded out of the house to go on with her day's plans. Today she knew she was going to the vet but things felt different. 136 felt different. Perhaps it was the new toothpaste she tried.
The funny man with the dreadlocks at CVS told her it was the best toothpaste on the market, "guaranteed to whiten her day" he had said. The tube said 'CoLSDgate' but Norma didn't know or care what it meant- to her the recommendation from the lovely man with the strange hair was all she needed, for Norma was the trusting type.
136. 136. 136.
Norma decided the day was lovely, the colors were lovely, Snuggles36 was lovely. She kissed the cat on its head then wondered to herself again why she had not left the spot she was in? Did the spot love her like she loved it? Did the spot love Snuggles36?
Norma appeared in the veterinarian's office.
Having no recollection of how she got there, Norma began to wonder if Snuggles was okay. He was shaking in her arms, which were still gripped tightly around his body. She loosened her grip and Snuggles jumped out of her hands with lightning quickness. The cat- who had been unable to breathe fully for the last two hours- ran as fast as it could in circles around the office before passing out from exhaustion.
Luckily, Norma was at the veterinarian's office.
Norma Needham had never before felt the urge to count each step she took from her house to the veterinarian's office just a few blocks away. Today was different. The 76 year old pensioner left her house and proceeded to count each step from the door; calling out each number at the top of her lungs, she elicited stares from passers by. On the way to the vet for her cat Snuggles' six-month check up, Norma held the feline tightly in her arms, putting the cat in a position that you could tell by its expression it did not like.
Not. One. Bit.
As Norma reached- and then called out- step number 136, she froze in place, letting the world pass by around her. Thoughts began racing through the old woman's head. Why was she there? Why was 136 important? 136... She liked that number, so she said it ten or twelve times in a row, appreciating each mention as if being told 'i love you' by a passionate bed-fellow.
What was the fluffy thing in her hands? Was that 136? She loved 136. If Snuggles could have spoken he would have told her he was not 136- but Snuggles was only a cat and he had no choice but to remained in the pensioner's steely grip.
Still standing motionless, Norma realized that something was different about today. Like every other day she had dressed in the morning, brushed her teeth, waited for an hour for a call from her grandchildren- which never came- and then proceeded out of the house to go on with her day's plans. Today she knew she was going to the vet but things felt different. 136 felt different. Perhaps it was the new toothpaste she tried.
The funny man with the dreadlocks at CVS told her it was the best toothpaste on the market, "guaranteed to whiten her day" he had said. The tube said 'CoLSDgate' but Norma didn't know or care what it meant- to her the recommendation from the lovely man with the strange hair was all she needed, for Norma was the trusting type.
136. 136. 136.
Norma decided the day was lovely, the colors were lovely, Snuggles36 was lovely. She kissed the cat on its head then wondered to herself again why she had not left the spot she was in? Did the spot love her like she loved it? Did the spot love Snuggles36?
Norma appeared in the veterinarian's office.
Having no recollection of how she got there, Norma began to wonder if Snuggles was okay. He was shaking in her arms, which were still gripped tightly around his body. She loosened her grip and Snuggles jumped out of her hands with lightning quickness. The cat- who had been unable to breathe fully for the last two hours- ran as fast as it could in circles around the office before passing out from exhaustion.
Luckily, Norma was at the veterinarian's office.
Monday, August 20, 2012
A quick review of Senna.
This is a quick review of one of my favorite documentaries about one of my favorite athletes: racing driver Ayrton Senna (1960-1994)
The sensation of the wind blowing over your helmet at 200 miles per hour on a straightaway and the feeling of five times the earth’s gravity pushing against you in a corner must be simply mind boggling; for Ayrton Senna this dangerous dance with destiny was the norm- he balanced life and death on a razor’s edge every day.
I know what you’re thinking right now: “I could give a hoot about racing; it’s all just tarmac, turns and testosterone!” Well if you’re not fan, do not fear! Senna’s story is so visceral, so powerful and so moving that it will bring even the most racing-ignorant viewer through a whirlwind of emotions. Even for someone who flat-out hates racing, the end of this tale of triumph and tragedy will bring you to tears.
‘Senna’ is presents the gripping tale of one of Formula One's most spectacular drivers. Ayrton Senna raced in Formula One for 10 years, winning three world championships prior to his tragic death at the Imola Circuit in Italy. The greats of yesterday and today- even Michael Schumacher- respect and admire Senna, considering him to be the greatest driver to ever live.
Directed by Asif Kapadia, the film tells Ayrton's story from his early years in go-karts all the way through to the day of his death in 1994. Using archival racing footage, interviews with relatives, friends and fellow drivers, plus past interviews with Senna himself, Kapadia is able to bring the man back to life. From his bitter rivalry with legendary French driver Alain Prost to to his devout Christianity and immense capacity for compassion and charity, Kapadia leaves it all on the screen and lets you be the judge. The re-edits of some of Formula One's most famous races turn them into even more dramatic- and easier to swallow- events than when they originally occurred. Make no mistake: this one will have you hanging on like you’re in the car with Senna for the entire 105 minutes.
Senna is available on Netflix Instant.
For a taste of what you can expect from Senna, check out this tribute to Ayrton's life done by BBC's Top Gear.
The sensation of the wind blowing over your helmet at 200 miles per hour on a straightaway and the feeling of five times the earth’s gravity pushing against you in a corner must be simply mind boggling; for Ayrton Senna this dangerous dance with destiny was the norm- he balanced life and death on a razor’s edge every day.
I know what you’re thinking right now: “I could give a hoot about racing; it’s all just tarmac, turns and testosterone!” Well if you’re not fan, do not fear! Senna’s story is so visceral, so powerful and so moving that it will bring even the most racing-ignorant viewer through a whirlwind of emotions. Even for someone who flat-out hates racing, the end of this tale of triumph and tragedy will bring you to tears.
‘Senna’ is presents the gripping tale of one of Formula One's most spectacular drivers. Ayrton Senna raced in Formula One for 10 years, winning three world championships prior to his tragic death at the Imola Circuit in Italy. The greats of yesterday and today- even Michael Schumacher- respect and admire Senna, considering him to be the greatest driver to ever live.
Directed by Asif Kapadia, the film tells Ayrton's story from his early years in go-karts all the way through to the day of his death in 1994. Using archival racing footage, interviews with relatives, friends and fellow drivers, plus past interviews with Senna himself, Kapadia is able to bring the man back to life. From his bitter rivalry with legendary French driver Alain Prost to to his devout Christianity and immense capacity for compassion and charity, Kapadia leaves it all on the screen and lets you be the judge. The re-edits of some of Formula One's most famous races turn them into even more dramatic- and easier to swallow- events than when they originally occurred. Make no mistake: this one will have you hanging on like you’re in the car with Senna for the entire 105 minutes.
Senna is available on Netflix Instant.
For a taste of what you can expect from Senna, check out this tribute to Ayrton's life done by BBC's Top Gear.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Reddit Challenge #27
Reddit user SeeDeez submits: Fictitious rapper Rhyme-asaurus Sex. Picture Tracy Morgan for this role.
Famed rapper Rhyme-asaurus Sex and his wife, Jersey Shore star Nicole Elizabeth "Snooki" Polizzi announced the birth of their first child today. The baby, a boy who Mr. Rex and Ms. Polizzi have affectionately named 'Paycheck Dolla-Bill' was born of a surrogate mother at New York's Mount Sinai Medical Center at approximately 2:35 AM last night.
Snooki, who was unable to attend the birth due to a contractual obligation to appear at the famous Marquee Nightclub in Chelsea appeared in front of cameras at 2:45 after taking a taxi to the hospital. "I could not be happier about this news" Snooki said, holding her newborn child in one hand "and I think I speak for my husband and myself when I say... WHAT? WHAT?" Ms. Polizzi then proceeded to raise the baby up in her hands in a 'raise the roof' motion before being quickly escorted back inside by hospital staff.
Aproxamately one hour later, Ryme-asaurus Sex arrived in his trademark reptile scale covered Escalade and gave a brief statement to reporters before entering the hospital. "This is the greatest day of my life" the rap star boldly exclaimed "in the car on the way here, I beat my high score on Donkey Kong!" Mr. Sex then proceeded to remove a Gameboy from his pocket before continuing "but I still can't figure out how they made such a tiny gorilla in the first place!"
Famed rapper Rhyme-asaurus Sex and his wife, Jersey Shore star Nicole Elizabeth "Snooki" Polizzi announced the birth of their first child today. The baby, a boy who Mr. Rex and Ms. Polizzi have affectionately named 'Paycheck Dolla-Bill' was born of a surrogate mother at New York's Mount Sinai Medical Center at approximately 2:35 AM last night.
Snooki, who was unable to attend the birth due to a contractual obligation to appear at the famous Marquee Nightclub in Chelsea appeared in front of cameras at 2:45 after taking a taxi to the hospital. "I could not be happier about this news" Snooki said, holding her newborn child in one hand "and I think I speak for my husband and myself when I say... WHAT? WHAT?" Ms. Polizzi then proceeded to raise the baby up in her hands in a 'raise the roof' motion before being quickly escorted back inside by hospital staff.
Aproxamately one hour later, Ryme-asaurus Sex arrived in his trademark reptile scale covered Escalade and gave a brief statement to reporters before entering the hospital. "This is the greatest day of my life" the rap star boldly exclaimed "in the car on the way here, I beat my high score on Donkey Kong!" Mr. Sex then proceeded to remove a Gameboy from his pocket before continuing "but I still can't figure out how they made such a tiny gorilla in the first place!"
Reddit Challenge #26
Reddit user DNAsly submits: At my nearby grocery store, many bottles of wine and almost all footlong subs ring up as $9.11. Please make a conspiracy thriller about this.
I present: The Killing of Danger's Brother, an action adventure conspiracy thriller.
Danger's brother was dead- blown apart by government agents at the grocery store.
Danger McDeadly was in the pastry section at the time, scoping out some croissants and wondering which jam they might go best with in the morning. As his thoughts turned to the strawberry preserves in the fridge at home, his brother Mistake McDeadly was heading to the checkout counter. Mistake's hand held a bottle of wine and foot-long meatball sub.
***
In a dark room in an unknown location, government agents crowd around a computer screen. The agent manning the computer let the others know that the man on the screen- Mistake McDeadly- was the man they were looking for. The screen showed McDeadly approaching the grocery checkout counter and making small talk with the cashier. As soon as he handed his items to the cashier, the room grew silent. One of the agents got on his radio and issued an order to prepare for action.
***
Mistake McDeadly loved this grocery store. He'd gone here for years and he knew all the staff; he was even talking to his favorite cashier, a cute girl named Rose whom he had known since grade school. After he and Rose exchanged pleasantries, Mistake handed her his two items. Rose took the wine bottle, scanned it and then- just as she had done for the last 5 years- she announced the price: nine dollars and eleven cents. She then picked up the sub, scanned it and announced the very same price: nine dollars and eleven cents
The next second, lights were off in the building and an explosion could be heard. Danger McDeadly hit the floor instinctively, but being across the store from Mistake, he had no idea what was coming. Armed government agents burst into the store and surrounded Mistake and Rose.
***
Back in the dark room, the agent manning the computer turns to the others and they all nod to each other. He reaches for his radio and issues one last command: Rose and Mistake are too dangerous to be left alive.
***
The chaotic burst of bullet fire only lasted a second or two but when it was over, the sound of bodies hitting the floor was unmistakable.
By the time Danger arrived at the scene the agents were gone, leaving only the shells from their weapons as evidence. Seeing his dead brother on the floor, Danger shut his eyes tight and balled his fists. Slowly, he exhaled and let the tension dissipate from his body. Leaning down next to the bodies of his brother and the innocent cashier, Danger picked up one of bullet shells and inspected the backside. He could see the lettering and knew they were FBI standard. He looked up toward the corner of the store ceiling, and then walked out the front door, the automatic slider closing behind him.
***
The men in the dark room were shaking hands and smiling when they spotted him. The shadowy figure approached the bodies, picked up a bullet casing on the ground, then looked at their security camera, smiled and walked off. Instantly, all the men in the room turned white.
"Oh shit" the computer operator gasped "Thats Danger McDeadly"
***
THE END???
I present: The Killing of Danger's Brother, an action adventure conspiracy thriller.
Danger's brother was dead- blown apart by government agents at the grocery store.
Danger McDeadly was in the pastry section at the time, scoping out some croissants and wondering which jam they might go best with in the morning. As his thoughts turned to the strawberry preserves in the fridge at home, his brother Mistake McDeadly was heading to the checkout counter. Mistake's hand held a bottle of wine and foot-long meatball sub.
***
In a dark room in an unknown location, government agents crowd around a computer screen. The agent manning the computer let the others know that the man on the screen- Mistake McDeadly- was the man they were looking for. The screen showed McDeadly approaching the grocery checkout counter and making small talk with the cashier. As soon as he handed his items to the cashier, the room grew silent. One of the agents got on his radio and issued an order to prepare for action.
***
Mistake McDeadly loved this grocery store. He'd gone here for years and he knew all the staff; he was even talking to his favorite cashier, a cute girl named Rose whom he had known since grade school. After he and Rose exchanged pleasantries, Mistake handed her his two items. Rose took the wine bottle, scanned it and then- just as she had done for the last 5 years- she announced the price: nine dollars and eleven cents. She then picked up the sub, scanned it and announced the very same price: nine dollars and eleven cents
The next second, lights were off in the building and an explosion could be heard. Danger McDeadly hit the floor instinctively, but being across the store from Mistake, he had no idea what was coming. Armed government agents burst into the store and surrounded Mistake and Rose.
***
Back in the dark room, the agent manning the computer turns to the others and they all nod to each other. He reaches for his radio and issues one last command: Rose and Mistake are too dangerous to be left alive.
***
The chaotic burst of bullet fire only lasted a second or two but when it was over, the sound of bodies hitting the floor was unmistakable.
By the time Danger arrived at the scene the agents were gone, leaving only the shells from their weapons as evidence. Seeing his dead brother on the floor, Danger shut his eyes tight and balled his fists. Slowly, he exhaled and let the tension dissipate from his body. Leaning down next to the bodies of his brother and the innocent cashier, Danger picked up one of bullet shells and inspected the backside. He could see the lettering and knew they were FBI standard. He looked up toward the corner of the store ceiling, and then walked out the front door, the automatic slider closing behind him.
***
The men in the dark room were shaking hands and smiling when they spotted him. The shadowy figure approached the bodies, picked up a bullet casing on the ground, then looked at their security camera, smiled and walked off. Instantly, all the men in the room turned white.
"Oh shit" the computer operator gasped "Thats Danger McDeadly"
***
THE END???
Reddit Challenge #25
Reddit user Guntcher submits: Sci-fy story about someone trying to get laid on a planet with 10 sexes.
I call this story 'Überbad'
Life for Chandrians was simple. The people of Chandria were a peaceful people- highly advanced, but peaceful. They had made the mistakes of Earth before, ruining their home planet with over-industrialization. Luckily for the people of Chandria, this particular solar system in the Orion Nebula had two habitable planets within it. After ruining their planet, the Chandrians moved on to the second planet- known as Aprillia- and began a life of symbiosis with the living plants and animals there. The Chandrians used their advanced knowledge to help grow the planet while only taking away what they truly needed.
However, the damage from life on Chandria had already been done- huge doses of radiation and acid rain from factories had permanently altered the people, giving them 10 different sexes. Some of the 10 sexes could only breed with one of the others, some could breed with two or three, but not the other seven or eight; sometimes which sex could breed with which other sex depended on the time of the month and the physical mood of the participants. It was all terribly confusing. None of this made life easier for teenager Anthony Jones (name changed to protect anonymity) who at age 19, was really just looking to get laid.
At his- or rather, its- higher learning institute on Aprillia, Anthony would scan the classrooms for someone it liked. It knew it was a sex seven, meaning it could breed with those of sex four, five and six and other sevens only while they were on their moon cycle. Scanning the room, Anthony found everything so confusing- it had read stories about a past with only two sexes- it couldn't understand why it had to be so tortured.
One day while exiting class Anthony dropped its books. Leaning down to help it pick them up was the most beautiful sex three that Anthony had ever seen. Anthony reached across as the three grabbed the last book, not wanting the three to have to pick up more, but as it did this their hands brushed together. Anthony met eyes with the three... It had never seen any Chandrian like this before- so beautiful and with eyes so inviting. Immediately, Anthony thought of its Saganism teachings from Sunday School and how sometimes the Cosmos intervenes in fateful situations. Anthony decided it would ask this three on a date.
Two days later, Anthony saw the lovely three walking through the quad and caught up with it. Nervously, Anthony approached the three and introduced itself. The three smiled and they began to talk. The two hit it off so well that in minutes they were laughing together- Anthony felt good. But then things began to get strange. Anthony noticed that the more the three laughed and smiled, the hotter it appeared to get. Glowing Chandrians wasn't crazy- the sex one and twos glowed any time it was below 50 degrees- but for a sex three this was unexpected. Anthony was enjoying itself so much it didn't care.
Anthony had never felt like this before and soon it saw an opportunity to kiss the three. It leaned in and so did the three, but as Anthony got close, it suddenly became all too aware of the massive heat radiating off the three. Determined to get laid Anthony continued moving for the kiss and as the two of them locked lips, the three's body began to superheat exponentially.
The reaction took only a few milliseconds- there was nothing Anthony could have done. The body energy of the three rose so rapidly that it drained of its energy in an instant and collapsed upon itself, creating a small scale nuclear explosion which destroyed the section of the quad the two were standing on. Anthony and the three it had fallen for were both killed. The Dean of the university- a seven itself- stood over the wreckage and delivered a dark word of warning to those listening:
There is a reason sevens can't have sex with threes.
I call this story 'Überbad'
Life for Chandrians was simple. The people of Chandria were a peaceful people- highly advanced, but peaceful. They had made the mistakes of Earth before, ruining their home planet with over-industrialization. Luckily for the people of Chandria, this particular solar system in the Orion Nebula had two habitable planets within it. After ruining their planet, the Chandrians moved on to the second planet- known as Aprillia- and began a life of symbiosis with the living plants and animals there. The Chandrians used their advanced knowledge to help grow the planet while only taking away what they truly needed.
However, the damage from life on Chandria had already been done- huge doses of radiation and acid rain from factories had permanently altered the people, giving them 10 different sexes. Some of the 10 sexes could only breed with one of the others, some could breed with two or three, but not the other seven or eight; sometimes which sex could breed with which other sex depended on the time of the month and the physical mood of the participants. It was all terribly confusing. None of this made life easier for teenager Anthony Jones (name changed to protect anonymity) who at age 19, was really just looking to get laid.
At his- or rather, its- higher learning institute on Aprillia, Anthony would scan the classrooms for someone it liked. It knew it was a sex seven, meaning it could breed with those of sex four, five and six and other sevens only while they were on their moon cycle. Scanning the room, Anthony found everything so confusing- it had read stories about a past with only two sexes- it couldn't understand why it had to be so tortured.
One day while exiting class Anthony dropped its books. Leaning down to help it pick them up was the most beautiful sex three that Anthony had ever seen. Anthony reached across as the three grabbed the last book, not wanting the three to have to pick up more, but as it did this their hands brushed together. Anthony met eyes with the three... It had never seen any Chandrian like this before- so beautiful and with eyes so inviting. Immediately, Anthony thought of its Saganism teachings from Sunday School and how sometimes the Cosmos intervenes in fateful situations. Anthony decided it would ask this three on a date.
Two days later, Anthony saw the lovely three walking through the quad and caught up with it. Nervously, Anthony approached the three and introduced itself. The three smiled and they began to talk. The two hit it off so well that in minutes they were laughing together- Anthony felt good. But then things began to get strange. Anthony noticed that the more the three laughed and smiled, the hotter it appeared to get. Glowing Chandrians wasn't crazy- the sex one and twos glowed any time it was below 50 degrees- but for a sex three this was unexpected. Anthony was enjoying itself so much it didn't care.
Anthony had never felt like this before and soon it saw an opportunity to kiss the three. It leaned in and so did the three, but as Anthony got close, it suddenly became all too aware of the massive heat radiating off the three. Determined to get laid Anthony continued moving for the kiss and as the two of them locked lips, the three's body began to superheat exponentially.
The reaction took only a few milliseconds- there was nothing Anthony could have done. The body energy of the three rose so rapidly that it drained of its energy in an instant and collapsed upon itself, creating a small scale nuclear explosion which destroyed the section of the quad the two were standing on. Anthony and the three it had fallen for were both killed. The Dean of the university- a seven itself- stood over the wreckage and delivered a dark word of warning to those listening:
There is a reason sevens can't have sex with threes.
Friday, August 17, 2012
Reddit Challenge #24
Reddit user submits: Almonds are actually sentient beings that have been trying to communicate with us for ages to stop eating them in genocidally large numbers.. Communication has failed, so now they are moving towards warfare.
The general stood stoic beside the president; The two men stared into the distance of the oval office windows. For a moment it appeared as if the president was going to speak- the general readied his mind for the moment he thought was coming.
False alarm. The president lowers his posture and returns his gaze to the world beyond the window. Slowly, the president turns to face his general and comments on the difficulty of the situation. He says its going to be a tough nut to crack. The two men chuckle. The general agreed that it would be a difficult decision to make.
The Almond people had always been a peaceful people. Almonds gained sentience during an accidental radiation exposure at a Mr. Peanut factory that was located too close to a nuclear test site. The Almonds were overjoyed by the gift of life and sentience, but they were plagued by impending doom. The early Almond councils sat and smoked peace pipes for many hours to attempt to solve the problem and save their lives. Their solutions have been failing.
Tasting delicious in the hope that humans will have sympathy on them has failed, as has the reverse attempt to make themselves crush into tiny pieces that you have to get out of your teeth with floss. Each new strategy fails worse than the next and their latest idea- to have terrible celebrities advertise them on television- has led to more Almond eaters than ever. Disguising themselves in Hershey's chocolate was a disaster.
Now, with nothing left to lose, the Presidential Almond is facing the choice- to use their nuclear arsenal or not. The general is nervous because he knows the power at the president's hands: with one word he could level Chicago and start a self sufficient almond colony there within days- when no humans could enter.
The president stares once more into the distance, ready to decide; when he turns back he sees a photo of his daughter- an almond of similar size and shape- sitting on the desk. He tells the general he doesn't want his daughter to die, but that he sees no other way to save her or the rest of his people.
The president presses a button beneath his desk, causing the table top to flip open into a computer console for launching missiles. He enters in a code with the general watching on, salt pouring off his forehead. The president moves to press the button but just before he reaches a door bursts open! An almond stands in the door and tells them to hold off on the decision. The president demands an explanation and the almond informs them that Chic-Fil-a Called and they want to do an new almond chicken sandwich. The president sits down in his chair and decides the war will be postponed- collaborating with Chic-Fil-a is sure to make people stop eating almonds.
The general stood stoic beside the president; The two men stared into the distance of the oval office windows. For a moment it appeared as if the president was going to speak- the general readied his mind for the moment he thought was coming.
False alarm. The president lowers his posture and returns his gaze to the world beyond the window. Slowly, the president turns to face his general and comments on the difficulty of the situation. He says its going to be a tough nut to crack. The two men chuckle. The general agreed that it would be a difficult decision to make.
The Almond people had always been a peaceful people. Almonds gained sentience during an accidental radiation exposure at a Mr. Peanut factory that was located too close to a nuclear test site. The Almonds were overjoyed by the gift of life and sentience, but they were plagued by impending doom. The early Almond councils sat and smoked peace pipes for many hours to attempt to solve the problem and save their lives. Their solutions have been failing.
Tasting delicious in the hope that humans will have sympathy on them has failed, as has the reverse attempt to make themselves crush into tiny pieces that you have to get out of your teeth with floss. Each new strategy fails worse than the next and their latest idea- to have terrible celebrities advertise them on television- has led to more Almond eaters than ever. Disguising themselves in Hershey's chocolate was a disaster.
Now, with nothing left to lose, the Presidential Almond is facing the choice- to use their nuclear arsenal or not. The general is nervous because he knows the power at the president's hands: with one word he could level Chicago and start a self sufficient almond colony there within days- when no humans could enter.
The president stares once more into the distance, ready to decide; when he turns back he sees a photo of his daughter- an almond of similar size and shape- sitting on the desk. He tells the general he doesn't want his daughter to die, but that he sees no other way to save her or the rest of his people.
The president presses a button beneath his desk, causing the table top to flip open into a computer console for launching missiles. He enters in a code with the general watching on, salt pouring off his forehead. The president moves to press the button but just before he reaches a door bursts open! An almond stands in the door and tells them to hold off on the decision. The president demands an explanation and the almond informs them that Chic-Fil-a Called and they want to do an new almond chicken sandwich. The president sits down in his chair and decides the war will be postponed- collaborating with Chic-Fil-a is sure to make people stop eating almonds.
Reddit Challenge #23
Reddit user ANewLowInGettingHigh Submits: The sadness of a plantation owner who lost everything after the civil war.
Anderson White was not like many people who bore witnessed the rise and fall of Dixie. Many people in the south strongly believed in their convictions about slavery and its relation to states rights, many of them believed in the supremacy of White Protestant Americans, but not Anderson White. Anderson White was the only black southerner.
He was born in 1841 in a small town in in Minnesota from an African couple who had escaped the south before realizing what they were destined for. Running the minute the boat hit port, they missed the fact that their friends were entering slavery and ended up in the north. There they adopted American language and culture. The newly named Richard White and his wife Angela White proceeded to Minnesota to become farmers- it was there that they decided to raise a family as well.
Anderson loved the farm- not just the farming activities but the business as well. He had raised thousands by properly managing the family farm and this love of business led a young Anderson to make a drastic decision. Anderson decided to head south to start his own farm in Georgia. He knew that even the cost of non-slave labor was cheaper in the south, and he was closer to major ports.
Leaving his family in his early 20s and heading south, Anderson became a model southerner and somehow became accepted by the whites in the community. Anderson had so much money and business savvy that he bought out every person in town with gifts and kindness. He had all white employees who he paid fairly and when the Civil War broke out he decided to stick with the South.
Despite this, and despite his African heritage, the Union army burned Anderson's farm because of his southern sympathies- he lost everything.
Anderson White was not like many people who bore witnessed the rise and fall of Dixie. Many people in the south strongly believed in their convictions about slavery and its relation to states rights, many of them believed in the supremacy of White Protestant Americans, but not Anderson White. Anderson White was the only black southerner.
He was born in 1841 in a small town in in Minnesota from an African couple who had escaped the south before realizing what they were destined for. Running the minute the boat hit port, they missed the fact that their friends were entering slavery and ended up in the north. There they adopted American language and culture. The newly named Richard White and his wife Angela White proceeded to Minnesota to become farmers- it was there that they decided to raise a family as well.
Anderson loved the farm- not just the farming activities but the business as well. He had raised thousands by properly managing the family farm and this love of business led a young Anderson to make a drastic decision. Anderson decided to head south to start his own farm in Georgia. He knew that even the cost of non-slave labor was cheaper in the south, and he was closer to major ports.
Leaving his family in his early 20s and heading south, Anderson became a model southerner and somehow became accepted by the whites in the community. Anderson had so much money and business savvy that he bought out every person in town with gifts and kindness. He had all white employees who he paid fairly and when the Civil War broke out he decided to stick with the South.
Despite this, and despite his African heritage, the Union army burned Anderson's farm because of his southern sympathies- he lost everything.
Reddit challenge 22
Reddit user Frajer submits: Mitt Romney goes to see a midnight screening of Ice Age but it is sold out
Tragedy strikes in Los Angeles, California as presidential candidate Mitt Romney was unable to attend his midnight screening of Ice Age: Continental Drift. It seems that due to delays on the campaign trail, Mr. Romney was unable to make the screening on time. His late arrival and the theater’s refusal to allow him and his entourage in created a large stir in the lobby.
Mitt Romney, speaking to reporters outside the theater said “I assure you I am human, and I simply arrived late as humans do.” He then proceeded to reenter his limo and drive off. Clearly, a strategic blunder for the campaign; but this was an important movie.
If Romney had attended the premier, he would gain favor with young families and people who believe in evolution. Romney’s people knew the movie was valuable. It hit key audiences for the Romney campaign: children, and people who think like children. Jokes aside the reality of the situation here is that he was going to make a big splash. Ice Age: Continental Drift, I’m told, is about a group of animals who are split off from due to enormous climactic forces, much like those accelerating forces today.
Romney it seems wants to prove to people he does agree with the most basic tenants of intelligent humanity, which is all right, but he still hasn’t proven he’s not a vampire.
Tragedy strikes in Los Angeles, California as presidential candidate Mitt Romney was unable to attend his midnight screening of Ice Age: Continental Drift. It seems that due to delays on the campaign trail, Mr. Romney was unable to make the screening on time. His late arrival and the theater’s refusal to allow him and his entourage in created a large stir in the lobby.
Mitt Romney, speaking to reporters outside the theater said “I assure you I am human, and I simply arrived late as humans do.” He then proceeded to reenter his limo and drive off. Clearly, a strategic blunder for the campaign; but this was an important movie.
If Romney had attended the premier, he would gain favor with young families and people who believe in evolution. Romney’s people knew the movie was valuable. It hit key audiences for the Romney campaign: children, and people who think like children. Jokes aside the reality of the situation here is that he was going to make a big splash. Ice Age: Continental Drift, I’m told, is about a group of animals who are split off from due to enormous climactic forces, much like those accelerating forces today.
Romney it seems wants to prove to people he does agree with the most basic tenants of intelligent humanity, which is all right, but he still hasn’t proven he’s not a vampire.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
I wrote this little story a few years ago with the idea that The Bible was written in a writers room, with just one woman and a dozen men. This of course leads to every misogynistic line and thought in The Bible, as the woman thinks of everything important, only to have her ideas stomped on and then stolen by the stupid men.
My apologies for the formatting...
In a nondescript conference room, a group of men sit together- with one woman in a far corner. They are arguing and it is hard to hear what anyone is talking about, but words like “Testament” and “Deuteronomy” are heard through the yelling. One man, sitting at the front of the table holding a script in his hand yells above the rest to get everyone's attention. The room quiets down slightly as he continues
“we’re on a tight deadline people, we need this baby done by Friday, so no more bickering!”
The one woman in the room stands up and addresses the group “guys, we’re never going to get this finished by Friday, its just too much, we need to call the executives and tell them this isn’t going to be ready by sweeps, we don’t even have a title for the first section, why don’t we start doing that now….”
“Shut up cathy, that’s an awful idea” One of the other men in the room quickly retorts, then he continues “now, guys, we’re never going to finish this thing by Friday.”
“But I just said…” Cathy stammered out before being cut off.
"No, Cathy, please be quiet, Bill is right, we need to pick up the pace, I think we should start thinking of a title.” All the men in the room smile and nod in agreement as Cathy looks more frustrated.
“Okay people, lets start pitching ideas for the name” the man at the front of the table tells the group.
Cathy quietly moves to stand from her seat. “what about… Genesis? It’s clever, descriptive, and I think it sounds cool too.”
For a moment all the men in the room are suddenly silent. The silence lasts for a few seconds, until one of the men is suddenly bursts out laughing, followed by all the other men. The men begin making stereotypical "girl" sounds with extra high voices, and moving their hands in a talking motion while mocking the name Cathy pitched. Soon though, the man at the head of the table calms everyone down.
“Okay okay guys, she knows not what she does… hey, that’s a good line, Cathy, write that one down, I think we’ll stick that somewhere near the end.”
Cathy looks down at her notes, more frustrated than ever as the leader continues “okay, people, names!” Immediately everyone begins spitting out name ideas, each one as dumb as the last.
“starter”
“invention”
“Law and order”
“first quarter”
“openings”
“exodus”
The leader looks over at one of the men and addresses him directly “Jerry, was that you who said ‘law and order’?”
Jerry looks nervous as he answers with a quiet “yes…”
“That’s good thinking, Jerry: we’re on the right track people, lets really get those mental juices flowing”
“CSI”
“CSI: Miami”
“geneticist!”
The leader stops the group before anyone can go further “wait a minute, geneticist… that’s it! We’ll call it Genesis! Its perfect!” one by one all the other men agree.
“its clever!”
“and so descriptive!”
“it sounds so cool too!”
“good thinking, boss”
Cathy rolls her eyes for the future generations of women who were sure to be doomed by the moronic plunders these men.
My apologies for the formatting...
In a nondescript conference room, a group of men sit together- with one woman in a far corner. They are arguing and it is hard to hear what anyone is talking about, but words like “Testament” and “Deuteronomy” are heard through the yelling. One man, sitting at the front of the table holding a script in his hand yells above the rest to get everyone's attention. The room quiets down slightly as he continues
“we’re on a tight deadline people, we need this baby done by Friday, so no more bickering!”
The one woman in the room stands up and addresses the group “guys, we’re never going to get this finished by Friday, its just too much, we need to call the executives and tell them this isn’t going to be ready by sweeps, we don’t even have a title for the first section, why don’t we start doing that now….”
“Shut up cathy, that’s an awful idea” One of the other men in the room quickly retorts, then he continues “now, guys, we’re never going to finish this thing by Friday.”
“But I just said…” Cathy stammered out before being cut off.
"No, Cathy, please be quiet, Bill is right, we need to pick up the pace, I think we should start thinking of a title.” All the men in the room smile and nod in agreement as Cathy looks more frustrated.
“Okay people, lets start pitching ideas for the name” the man at the front of the table tells the group.
Cathy quietly moves to stand from her seat. “what about… Genesis? It’s clever, descriptive, and I think it sounds cool too.”
For a moment all the men in the room are suddenly silent. The silence lasts for a few seconds, until one of the men is suddenly bursts out laughing, followed by all the other men. The men begin making stereotypical "girl" sounds with extra high voices, and moving their hands in a talking motion while mocking the name Cathy pitched. Soon though, the man at the head of the table calms everyone down.
“Okay okay guys, she knows not what she does… hey, that’s a good line, Cathy, write that one down, I think we’ll stick that somewhere near the end.”
Cathy looks down at her notes, more frustrated than ever as the leader continues “okay, people, names!” Immediately everyone begins spitting out name ideas, each one as dumb as the last.
“starter”
“invention”
“Law and order”
“first quarter”
“openings”
“exodus”
The leader looks over at one of the men and addresses him directly “Jerry, was that you who said ‘law and order’?”
Jerry looks nervous as he answers with a quiet “yes…”
“That’s good thinking, Jerry: we’re on the right track people, lets really get those mental juices flowing”
“CSI”
“CSI: Miami”
“geneticist!”
The leader stops the group before anyone can go further “wait a minute, geneticist… that’s it! We’ll call it Genesis! Its perfect!” one by one all the other men agree.
“its clever!”
“and so descriptive!”
“it sounds so cool too!”
“good thinking, boss”
Cathy rolls her eyes for the future generations of women who were sure to be doomed by the moronic plunders these men.
Reddit Challenge - 21
Topic: Can you set a story in purgatory where historical figures have to compete in a scavenger hunt/obstacle course competition to win a spot in Heaven?
-Reddit user deandra_reynolds
Hitler stands perfectly still in front of a start line. Surrounding him are red cave walls and massive pools of fire-spitting lava. The former dictator of the Third Reich stands in a race-ready position- he is wearing sweat pants and a sweat shirt adorned with the name and logo of the Vienna Art Academy- as a man in a red and white striped referee’s uniform walks up to the line and holds a gun in the air. Hitler bends down slightly, as if to prepare for the impending start. BAM!
As soon as the gun fires, Hitler is off and running like a Polack running from the Blitzkrieg. First he dashes about 50 meters at full speed before encountering the tire path. The genocidal maniac then begins to bounce and weave through the tires, making sure not to trip on them while still moving as quickly as possible. Toward the end of the tires, Hitler finally trips on one of the tires, causing him to fall face-first to the ground just at the end of the section. As he struggles to get up and continue, he is met by The Devil himself. The Devil looks down at Hitler and meets eyes, then simply shakes his head and points toward a door labeled “back to Hell.” Slowly, Hitler gets up and walks back toward the door, sulking.
The Devil then walks back to the starting line and looks at the next challenger: Muammar Gaddafi. Muammar is wearing a Libyan flag banana hammock and nothing else- the Devil rolls his eyes upon seeing this and then sets out to explain the objective. The Devil explains the rules plainly and simply: if you pass the obstacle course without fault in under two minutes you are granted passage into heaven.
Excited at the new prospect of freedom, Muammar jumps up to the line and gets ready. The referee slowly raises his gun in the air and begins to count down. As get gets to ‘one’ the referee lowers his weapon to his waist and shoots Gaddafi in the chest; the Colonel collapses to the ground and dies… again. The Devil is surprised but not upset, his glance quickly turns to the ref who looks back at him and shrugs “I used to live in Tripoli.”
-Reddit user deandra_reynolds
Hitler stands perfectly still in front of a start line. Surrounding him are red cave walls and massive pools of fire-spitting lava. The former dictator of the Third Reich stands in a race-ready position- he is wearing sweat pants and a sweat shirt adorned with the name and logo of the Vienna Art Academy- as a man in a red and white striped referee’s uniform walks up to the line and holds a gun in the air. Hitler bends down slightly, as if to prepare for the impending start. BAM!
As soon as the gun fires, Hitler is off and running like a Polack running from the Blitzkrieg. First he dashes about 50 meters at full speed before encountering the tire path. The genocidal maniac then begins to bounce and weave through the tires, making sure not to trip on them while still moving as quickly as possible. Toward the end of the tires, Hitler finally trips on one of the tires, causing him to fall face-first to the ground just at the end of the section. As he struggles to get up and continue, he is met by The Devil himself. The Devil looks down at Hitler and meets eyes, then simply shakes his head and points toward a door labeled “back to Hell.” Slowly, Hitler gets up and walks back toward the door, sulking.
The Devil then walks back to the starting line and looks at the next challenger: Muammar Gaddafi. Muammar is wearing a Libyan flag banana hammock and nothing else- the Devil rolls his eyes upon seeing this and then sets out to explain the objective. The Devil explains the rules plainly and simply: if you pass the obstacle course without fault in under two minutes you are granted passage into heaven.
Excited at the new prospect of freedom, Muammar jumps up to the line and gets ready. The referee slowly raises his gun in the air and begins to count down. As get gets to ‘one’ the referee lowers his weapon to his waist and shoots Gaddafi in the chest; the Colonel collapses to the ground and dies… again. The Devil is surprised but not upset, his glance quickly turns to the ref who looks back at him and shrugs “I used to live in Tripoli.”
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